I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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