great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
