His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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