ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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