I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
