..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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