You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
