nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
