I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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