so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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