What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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