I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
