I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
