I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
