she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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