my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
