ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize