dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
