Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
