You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need moral support for this bender
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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