Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
