oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
