Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
