Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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