you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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