so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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