He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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