Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
