Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
