I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
