My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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