apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
