i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
