GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
