I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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