When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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