My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
