I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
