I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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