It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
