my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
