I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
