new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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