He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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