i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
