Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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