So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
