her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
