gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
