...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize