do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
