I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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