literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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