call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
