I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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